My Darkness
by Meg Kenobi
Summary: Everything in Luke Skywalker's life has compounded in a schizophrenic break. Luke narrates his institutionalization, his halting recovery and the ultimate challenge: returning to life in the galaxy.
1. Default Chapter

My Darkness  
Rating: R  
by Meg Kenobi (jedixphile@aol.com)  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I certainly don't own Luke Skywalker. Kindly don't sue me, thank you.  
Note: Luke has been institutionalized for paranoid scizophrenia, so bits of this may be a bit incoherant, due to the stream of consciousness style I am going for. I'm trying to be a bit edgy, so bear with me.  
  
  
My Darkness  
It's never quiet. Not even in the dead of night. Everywhere there is sound; screaming, sobbing, incesant ranting. I'm not crazy like them; don't you understand? I am trapped. They keep me locked in here, strapped down at all hours. The needle is still taped in place, slowly dripping in the drugs. Enough to keep me still, enough to keep me quiet. Enough to keep me from physical escape but not enough for mental release.  
They say its for my own good, for the galaxy's good, but I know what's really going on.  
Leia can't hear you, she can't hear you. When she and Han come in, and sit in your cramped little office, she doesn't hear what you really say. They come so often, to hear the lies and see poor, broken little brother, but they never really listen. If they did, they would hear what I hear. You whispers to me.  
"We found you, Luke, and we'll take you with us. You haven't seen the power of the Darkside, but you will now. because we have you, Luke, and we'll never let you go."  
And they won't. But Leia and Han hear the lies. I hear them, too, but I dismiss them.  
"He isn't responding well to this medication, but we've just caught wind of a new drug. I think it may change everything for your brother."  
She dries her eyes and hiccups a little sob. It is then I hate you most. If there were any way out of this drug-induced slumber, anyway out of these restraints, I'd kill you. I want to hurt you, to see you bleed. You calls her in, feed her lies, build up her hopes, then crushes her. How could you hurt her? They say I am sick. And while I know the things you really think, and I know your true plans, it pains me, too, for somewhere within I am a fool, for your words give me hope too.  
*****  
Why are you contradicting yourself again? You come talk to me; to barb me.  
"There's no such thing as evil, Luke, " you whiser, your voice too level, too gentle.   
"You are not evil, not by far. And your sister isn't evil, for certain. Dear Luke, you don't understand. Not even your father was evil, and you know that. He did bad things, yes, but that does not make him evil. Your father was profoundly ill, probably in the same way you are. It runs in families, you know. Of all your fears, your fear of being like your father is the most grounded. But we can help you, Luke, if you are ready. And understand that I do not believe for one moment that deeds can show that a human is evil. Do you understand, Luke?"  
But you misunderstand what happened. I would have never hurt her if I didn't have too. I pulled my saber, yes. And I hit her. Hard. But you were after her. After my sister. The darkness was in her since birth. You keep me in here to, as you say, protect the galaxy. But for the good of the galaxy, she has to die. She has to die. The Darkness is evil, and you have to kill her to kill the Darkness. Why did you stop me?  
  
  
  
  
This ends Chapter One. Where do we go from here? Time and reviews will only tell. 


	2. Lucidity

Author's note: I started this story a lifetime ago and decided to continue. It's loosely based on my personal history with medication, so maybe that's why it seems so unhinged...  
  
I am catapaulted into reality. What is happening? You told me that this drug was going to clear my head, make it so I would finally be aware and we could begin to examine the disaster inside. But this isn't blessed clarity, it's glaring, unsteady chaos. Yesterday I knew my cause, I knew the root of all Darkness, I knew the course of action. Today the galaxy is within my skull, raging in too many directions in all its mutilated, ugly colors. There are no simple designations, only rampant degrees of extremity. Everything feels false and jaded, nothing is easy and nothing is sure; I am certain that it is all wrong, and yet I feel as though I am suddenly snapped from a trance, again alive in the violent hues, novae of light, paralyzing dark. You tell me that this is real. And I am terrified.  
But the restraints are gone. How foolish of you, to take away all that sedated and calmed and subdued the Force, distancing it from my command, and then to further take away the physical fetters. How damned brilliant, exploiting my trust, knowing your show of faith would draw me in.  
"What are you feeling Luke? Now, at this moment?" You sit too close, staring over your glasses, critically drinking up my reaction. This is the first I have seen from within my own mind in so long, and I take out my thoughts, examining like a newborn splaying his fingers in wonder. I realize that this is the first you have ever seen me.  
"Fear," I whisper, unable to lie to you, knowing you will hate me for being weak, hate me for being dark, but you only nod, a trace of a smile playing across your features.  
"That's understandable. It's a lot to handle, isn't it? All the feelings, all the thoughts, not just a few."  
"I still want to kill her," How dare you forgive me, my mind is raging, I am still a monster, you must understand. "There's just more."  
"I would worry if you didn't, Luke. There is nothing I can give you to make what happened go away, only to bring you back so we can fix it. Together. You do want that Luke?" I pause in my response, stung by your emphasis, your hope.  
"I want to understand," I offer slowly, "And to be right, because I'm forgetting why I was so sure. I'm not sure I want it to go away, I was so certain, but what if I wasn't right?"  
"That's fine, that's perfect, Luke. It is dangerous to act simply, without complete understanding. I want you to realize, Luke, that we must never just hide the emotions we feel are wrong or evil. That is how we become so confused, so frightened, so alone. But you are not alone here, Luke. You need to tell me when you are hurt, scared, needing, even if you are afraid it may be wrong. If you are honest, I will never be angry with you, do you understand?"  
"Yes. I'm ready. Ready to tell you."  
"Good." You gather your breath and I understand: now we begin. "Do you remember why you tried to kill her?"  
"The Darkness. It had her. It would have taken me as well; I had to save us."  
"Us? "  
"The galaxy. Everyone."  
"Luke, explain the Darkness to me, simply if you must. In fact, imagine I am a child. What is Darkness?" I stare at you in horror, how can you not understand? You smile gently at my confusion. "That is where we must begin Luke, with bringing light to fear, clarity to the ambiguous. That is how we heal each other. How we heal ourselves." 


End file.
